Gossamer
I like writing, I do. I haven’t for a while though, partly because the spring had dried up, and mostly because I had to experience living instead of conjecturing thoughts about living.
Before leaving for travel and then upon returning “home”, the apostrophes were real. I was in this off-key bi-state of wanting to yet just being unable to set myself free. I’d put it aside but it was still there, that murky mess of anxiety and doubt. Home was nowhere, especially not with warring factions in my own head. Those trappings curbed me from coming or going. It was utterly tiring. Mentally, emotionally, eventually physically. My spirit felt scourged.
So for the first few days I floated by on that fatigue of not caring. It was even a small relief to be not functionally capable of caring. Sleep was fast becoming my best friend. Both work and personal continued fading from importance. I cared little.
But I also really did not care for that me.
So on an otherwise regular Wednesday, I woke up and heard what an actual (human) best friend said. Something I’d always known and also temporarily put aside: “don’t think and forget to live.”
I am and will always be a practical optimist. Machinating is glorious fun. The world is big and unexplored to me and I’m questioning and curious to have my hand in it all. So today, the fire is starting to burn again. Because somehow through this whole process of torture and escape and torture and escape I’m now okay. This clusterfuck of a cloud got tired of tiring me. I can be present, for the first time in a long time.
This reboundable lethargic lull has overstayed its welcome. Because I am a person that always hits all the notes. Sharps. Flats. Naturals. So before anything else, let me restore the best me. Yes to stoking intellectual pursuits. Yes to opening social conversations. Yes to simple happy things. No waste on entertaining overthinking. This is the plan.
Italy and Barcelona imparted only lovely memories for me. At the time it didn’t set in, but now it’s freedom on the horizon. I’m grateful for so darn much. Lucky, to have the people and circumstances that I have. It makes me rein in all the fragments of myself out there to make whole. And then send that character out a better one.
The world is neither fair nor right but it has a way of balancing itself.
Now I’m ready. Let the light in.
